Baby girl numero deux is almost here, just three short weeks if everything (as it always does – insert wee wink) goes absolutely, perfectly according to plan.
In the throws of my eating disorder almost 20 years ago, the thought of getting pregnant never even entered my mind. Despite what “experts” would tell me about the permanent damage I may be doing to my body; the fact that if I kept clinging to ED I may never be able to have children….I (and by “I” I really mean ED as we were so entwined, him and I) picked my eating disorder, over the possibility of new life sometime in my distant future. What silly, childish, immature, irrational yet perfectly ED thinking.
And that, my friends, is the power of an addiction, of an illness, of ED. What could be more precious than a newborn baby? Yet, even that, was not reason enough for me to continue, every day, my constant need for perfection, for control. ED is strong, stronger than you can possibly imagine, but through all of this, I realized that there is someone stronger than ED, someone that before my life even began, was watching over me, knowing that I would go through trials and frustrations and life breaking, heart aching pains, someone who would lead me through my eating disorder and allow me to regain health, to help others and now…..to be a mother to two of the most precious gifts I could ever have dreamed of. Now, ’tis by the grace of and because of my God that I sit and write about my second pregnancy.
If you are struggling with an eating disorder and life seems exhausting cling to the hope that ED does not have to run, ruin or have control of your life. Be strong and know, as Joshua 1:9 says, “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
May peace be upon you this holiday season.