Probably the first item I ever bought at J Crew was a shirt that read, “These are the days”…..Which can be taken any number of ways…..the way I take for the most part is, “These are the days, enjoy them because they’ll be gone before I know it” (or so everyone tells me). But then there is the interpretation of “These are the days, hold on for dear life because life is messy and grueling and there are some days when you don’t feel anything and feel everything all at the same time.” Such was my day yesterday.
For no apparent reason at all I was feeling very blah. bland. gross. off. and dare I say, ugly, yes, I said it, the “u” word. Yep, me, the girl who appears to have it all together was feeling ugly. Ugly on the inside and ugly on the outside. For starters, I was feeling like a bad mom, perhaps it was the cavity that appeared on the dentist x-ray despite my diligent attempts at brushing and flossing L’s teeth like my life depended on it, perhaps it was the not only one, but two pee-pee accidents (that’s mom talk for urinating in yer undies) S had whilst in the dentist office (one of which was caused by me getting upset at her that she wasn’t being quiet enough for the dentist to tell me that my daughter’s cavity would only cost me selling of one of my kidney’s on the black market to fix), or perhaps it was because I had all of 4 minutes to get out of my pajamas, into the shower (while entertaining a waiting audience of littles on the other side of the glass and refusing to open nail polish lids and cautioning against pinched fingers) lotion up, do my hair and makeup, make myself breakfast, brush my teeth and only be 7 minutes late for our dentist appointment. **Only the shower happened, in case you are wondering, and I’m pretty sure I still have soap on my back.** My hair was going on day 6 of not being washed and my chin was breaking out like a bad habit to the point that I could have had a starring role in a Pro Active commercial next to Adam Levine. So yes, “These are the days” J Crew, they really, truly are.
These are the days when feelings of failure take over and no matter how hard I try, how much I know or how much I want to fix myself, there is something that keeps me from doing all of that. Something that keeps me wallowing, feeling sorry for myself, there is a comfort there, in the pity, sadness and purposelessness. These are the days when I like to be in that space. Is that so wrong?
In all my years of counselling wisdom I have come to the point of knowing when to “let”, when to sit quiet and let emotions be. Truly feel emotions instead of trying to “fix”. There is a certain beauty in it. There is beauty in imperfection. There is a vulnerability that I actually want my kids to see in me when I feel this way. I want them to see that although there are rainbows, there are also unforeseen storms that we must weather that eventually create that beautiful arch of color in the sky. To quote a song from the Garden State soundtrack (and date myself), there is beauty in the breakdown.
So feel it. Feel those emotions, be them good, bad or otherwise. Give them space and room to breath. Don’t let them take over your life, but do allow yourself to sit for a moment (or day) in them and then figure them out, figure out what the lesson was, look at the rainbow and get up on your feet again and continue on your journey, because after all, “these are the days”.